The Many Deaths Of Spencer Reid
by Vampires Do NOT Sparkle
Summary: Just as the title says. We all know that Dr Reid is Danger prone... but just how many ways can he die. purely humor. Please Read and Review.
1. Chapter 1

**HELLO. My name is Vampire's Do NOT Sparkle. And if you have decided to read this story you are obviously just as twisted when it comes to humour as I am. Now don't get me wrong, Reid is probably my favourite character, but he is just so danger prone. I couldn't help myself. So this story is as the title says, the many deaths of Spencer Reid. This is purely humour and is meant to entertain. Each chapter will be a new way for poor Spencer to die. If you have any suggestions for new ways for him to be exterminated then please leave a review. **

**Chapter One- Why I'm not meant to exercise. **

Dr Spencer Reid was all to aware that he was far behind on his fitness training. He had applied and been accepted into the FBI Academy despite the debate due to his age. He was meant to start in a month now and he had experienced an epiphany.

He had been walking to the new local coffee shop that was a couple streets away when he had a realisation. Here he was, only been walking for five minutes and yet he was exhausted. His breathing laboured and heart pounding in his ears, he leant against a nearby wall to rest.

This was terrible. Obviously the past couple of weeks he had spent reading books and watching Star Trek and Doctor Who had diminished what little fitness he had.

So he did what any person who held a Ph.D would do. He stayed in his dark apartment watching re runs of Buffy the Vampire slayer on the sci-fi channel wallowing in self pity.

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The harsh light of the mid afternoon sun filtered through a certain young geniuses window. As the light hit a mass of pillows and blankets, a groan broke the silence of the otherwise quiet morning.

A figure rose from the mound of comfort, brown hair matted in a nest that may or may not have contained a small bird ( after all, the old woman who lived down the hall had been looking for her cherished Budgerigar). He had dark circles under his eyes and a rather sickly skin tone. With remnants of food still on his face, the figure pulled back the covers and slowly made it's way to the bathroom. On a glance, one wouldn't be sure if it was alive, for its slow walk and ghastly appearance portrayed a zombie.

If asked, the figure would be hesitant to answer, for it sure didn't feel human.

Dr Spencer Reid looked up to the mirror as he splashed water on his face. He froze in shock. The monster of mess in the mirror couldn't be him...could it. Sure, he had stayed in the past week or so to relax, but surely it couldn't have done that much damage. As a hand reached up to touch his face, he couldn't help the squeak that filled the air. It really was him, wasn't it.

Determination flooded his eyes as he stood up straight, his bones cracking gratefully as he stretched to his full height. This wouldn't stand. If he was going to join the FBI and be taken seriously, he had to clean up his act. He had less than three weeks to get fit and healthy before he started, and he intended to do so.

Walking to the shower and turning it on, he undressed and stepped in, regardless of its freezing temperature, he didn't have time. If only he knew.

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it was with a renewed vigour that saw Spencer Reid take a step out into the world for the first time in a week. Dressed in an old shirt and shorts, he made his way down the street. His breathing was already starting to become laboured and his legs hurt. But he kept on running. He had read approximately five articles on the subject of personal health and fitness and each one of them had said that the first week was crucial.

He knew there was a park near his building, so he changed direction and began to run there. He was close when he heard one of the most frightening noises to someone of his animal abilities. A barking dog.

Head snapping around at the sound, he was greeted with a horrible sight of a large German Sheppard. And this particular German Sheppard was angry.

" whoa boy. Nice dog, good dog." he said in a soft tone. Hands raised as he slowly stepped back. Obviously the dog didn't like that as it barked more and started to leap forward.

With a very 'manly' squeal, Dr Spencer Reid turned tail and ran as fast as he could, his legs forgetting their protest with the new found threat.

He ran as fast as he possibly could, dodging bins, trees and other people going about their daily lives. To his dismay, the dog followed, unwilling to relent and allow it's prey to escape. He had hoped that it would give up in it's chase, find better things to do. Instead, more dogs joined the fun.

It must have been an amusing sight to see a young man, who looked as though he was still in high school, running from a pack of dogs.

As he ran through the city, he began to slow down. His legs burning and heart racing, he wished it would end soon.

His hopes were seemingly answered as the dogs stopped. They simply stopped and watched him. Spencer froze, as he watched the dogs turn away and go back the way they came.

He let out a sigh of relief as he started to laugh. Hunched over with his hands on his knees, he rested for a few moments as he regained what little strength he had.

Standing up straight he stepped back, starting to turn around, only to be hit by a bus. As he drew his last breath, he only had one thought.

Dogs:1 Spencer:0

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**Well. That was fun. In a bad sort of way. **

**Anyway, if you liked it, or hated it, please leave a Review. I like them either way. I should be adding a new chapter along with a new death soon. If you have any suggestions please, as I said earlier, leave them in a review, or PM me, either is good.**

**Please REVIEW! **


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello. I'm back. And so is this story. I would like to thank all of those who reviewed. Made me want to write this quicker. That, and the fact that I'm enjoying killing Reid far to much then is healthy, is why this update is so quick. Anyway...**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN CRIMINAL MINDS IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM. I am however using the characters for my amusement. Please do not sue. **

**Chapter 2- Books have feelings too. **

As the sun shined and the trees moved ever so slightly in the Spring breeze, a young man could be seen enjoying the fine day... through his window. It was rather strange, on a day like today, that any youth would be inside. As all the parks were full with kids playing and Teenagers yelling to their friends. Why would anyone possibly want to be inside with the sort of joy and happiness floating around.

For Special Agent Dr Spencer Reid, the answer was simple. Books.

There he sat, lounged in his most comfortable chair. Glasses perched on the tip of his nose as he read. This was where he was his most happy, reading in the peace of his own home.

As he finished his book all to quickly, he closed the book and sighed. If there was a downside to his reading so fast, it was this. He never got to truly enjoy a book for long.

Spencer pushed himself up from his comfortable position and walked to his bookshelf. He carefully placed the previously read book in its correct place and looked all the way to the top of the shelf. It really was a rather large book shelf. He had had it custom made, it was the kind you would find in an old library, filled to the brim with books all the way to the roof.

His eyes flickered as they glanced across the titles, looking for something new to read. They stopped in their search as they found their target. "The Complete Works Of J.R.R Tolkien." He had read it already of course, but it's length and style would keep him busy for a couple of hours, plus, it was extremely enjoyable.

Unfortunately, it was on the top shelf. A shelf that was much, much taller then him.

Spencer sighed as he saw he had no other choice. He no longer had his small ladder ( Morgan had broken it in his last visit) and he had no other chair that he could use.

So, he turned around and placed his hands on his favourite lounge chair and pulled with all his might. The chair was lighter then he thought, and the momentum sent him crashing into his bookshelf. He had forgotten it had wheels.

Spencer cringed in pain as a wave of books tumbled over him, hitting his head.

" Ow! Stupid books." He muttered as he stood up and did damage control. His head and shoulders hurt, so did his face, but he would live.

He bent down to pick up the books that had caused his pain. Tossing them on the couch, he looked back at the almost smug looking book shelf, and saw the book he wanted. Still sitting on the shelf, even though all the books around it had fallen, almost as if it were stuck.

As he pulled the chair(carefully this time) Spencer sighed. All this for a book. Still he continued, and once the chair was close enough, he climbed on.

" Still not high enough."He complained as he once again, failed to reach his desired book. So, with determination, he stepped higher, onto the arm of the chair. And this time, he succeeded in reaching his goal.

As his hand closed around the spine of the book, he pulled lightly. Only for it to stay still. It really was stuck.

" What the hell?" Spencer whispered. This wasn't possible. What could it possibly be stuck on, all the other books surrounding it had fallen. It was as if someone had super glued it in place. But who would do that... Morgan. Of course. Morgan had been looking at this book. He had remarked about how he thought Spencer wasn't the type to be interested in fantasy.

That's how he had broken his stool. He had put to much weight on it, when he put it on the top shelf.

Surely it wouldn't stick that well. But he knew for sure that the glue would've damaged the book.

It was with that thought, he leant forward ever so slightly, placed one hand on the shelf, and one hand on the book. And pulled.

As Newton said, " Every action, has an equal and opposite reaction."

so as such, Spencer should have known the danger of doing what he just did whilst standing on the edge of a chair with wheels.

And just like Newton would have predicted, the chair Reid was oh so precariously standing on, slipped out from under his feet and rolled away.

" Oh Shi-" His curse was cut off as he fell, hitting the floor hard.

With the wind knocked out of him, a bleeding head and possibly at least two broken ribs, all he could do was stay perfectly still as he tried to regain his breath. As he started to very slowly and painfully start to roll over onto his side, he heard a terrifying creak.

As he had fallen, he had pulled the book shelf off balance. Reid watched in terror as his large, much too heavy book shelf stated to tip, towards him.

" well fu-" Were Spencer's last words as the bookshelf smashed into his already injured body.

And it was on that sunny, warm,day... that certified genius, Dr Spencer Reid, was killed by his bookshelf.

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and that's the end of that chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. I certainly had fun writing it, which is slightly worrying. Still. If you liked it, or even if you think I should burn in hell for my bad taste in humour, leave a review. I look forward to your opinion. Also, if anyone has any ideas for more ways for dear Reid to Die, leave them in a review or PM me.

Until next time...

-Vampire's Do NOT Sparkle.


	3. Chapter 3

**HELLO! DON"T KILL ME... Please. Yes I'm back with a new chapter. First, I would like to apologise for the late update. I had a camp to go to. But none of that matters now. Please enjoy this chapter. I would like to thank tannerose5 for the inspiration of this chapter. It helped a lot. **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own criminal minds or Spencer Reid. No matter how much I wish I do. **

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Chapter Three- Pancakes are evil, bad,bad Pancakes.

It was a sad day when Dr Spencer Reid opened his fridge. Why would opening a fridge be sad, you ask. Well it was sad for the simple reason that it was empty.

Spencer sighed as he looked thoroughly through his barren fridge. He and the team had just returned from a case late last night and he desperately needed food. And something to drink now that he thought about it.

Sure it had been a while since he last went shopping, a few weeks to be exact, but seriously, how could there be NOTHING! With a worried look on his face he closed the fridge and walked towards the cupboard. There was bound to be something.

As he opened the cupboard doors hesitantly, he was met with the most wondrous sight. Sitting innocently by itself, was pancake mix. All he needed to add was water and cook it. It was perfect. Too perfect, it seemed. With complete disbelief and adoration, Spencer reached for the pancake mix. If his life was a movie, triumphant music would be playing.

It felt oh so right to have the shaker bottle in his hand. Clutching it to his chest, he let out a happy sigh. Now to cook it. His stomach gurgled happily in delight, acknowledging the fact that it would soon be fed. As he looked down at the bottle lovingly, he noticed something... something that would change his life forever.

For just under where the lid met the bottle. Was an expiration date. A date that was two weeks ago.

With a cry ( more like a wail really) Spencer threw the expired pancake mix into the bin. He knew what he had to do. Unfortunately... It was time to go shopping.

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The sun was shining and the birds were singing as Spencer made the five minute trek to the supermarket. They seemed happy, and care free, innocent to the bone. But he knew. What may have sounded beautiful and natural to an outsider, sounded brutal and cruel to him. They were taunting him. Laughing at his misfortune. Birds were evil. The sun was evil. Everything was evil. Especially that misleading Pancake mix. Stringing him along like that.

The laughter of children haunted him as he walked into the safety of the supermarket. He had a lot of shopping to do.

And so,it was with great determination and hunger that Dr Spencer Reid prowled the corridors of the local store. He pushed a trolley full to the brim with all kinds of food and drink, other necessities forgotten. His eyes searched further for more oh so delicious food. He had completely ignored the isle that contained the Pancake mix. He would never forgive that traitorous swine of a mix. It, or any of its relatives would never have the honor of being eaten by him.

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As he reached the front of the store he looked down at his practically over flowing trolley and sighed in relief. He wouldn't have to go shopping for at least a few weeks. With a contented smile he made his way to the nearest checkout, the number read three. If only he wasn't so hungry. He would have to make something the moment he got home.

The cashier wasn't paying much attention. She was a young girl, probably in her mid teens and she was vaguely flipping through a magazine.

Nonetheless, Spencer started to place his purchases on the belt.

Everything was happening normally, the cashier would scan the item haphazardly as she read, he would place more on the belt to be scanned...until he dropped one.

In hindsight, the bag of two minute noodles that fell to the ground wasn't really worth the price he paid leaning down to get it. You see, Spencer had worn his normal attire to the store. A simple button up shirt with clashing tie, and black pants. He had forgone a vest because he was feeling casual, so his tie was hanging loose. Right onto the belt...

He didn't notice right away, that his tie was slowly being eaten up by the belt. He did however, notice that he couldn't step back, or move his neck at all. He couldn't really see, but it felt like his tie was getting tighter.

Spencer's hands reached up to claw at his throat, anything to relieve the pressure forming around his windpipe. Gasping for air he grabbed what was left of his tie with both hands and pulled. He pulled as hard as he could but it wasn't good enough.

"Help me!" he rasped in a high pitched wail. But the ever decreasing oxygen from his lungs combined with the ever growing tightening of his tie, made it almost impossible to hear. The cashier still hadn't noticed, absorbed in an article about One Direction. Spencer shuddered. Not only was he being killed by his tie ( when Morgan found out Spencer would be feeling the irony from the grave.) but probably the only reason his cries for help went unnoticed was because of the worst thing to happen to music since the dawn of time.

As he felt his body go limp and the final remnants of oxygen leave his lungs, he heard a bored voice over the PA system.

"Clean up at checkout three."

Damn that Pancake mix.

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Well. That's the end of that chapter. I hope you enjoyed. I do apologise if I offended anyone who likes One Direction ( shudder) . I can't stand them but that's just my opinion. Anyway, please leave a review, whether it's to say you liked it, hated it, want me to burn in hell... Or you have your own suggestion of how to kill Reid.

REVIEW!

- Vampire's Do NOT Sparkle.


	4. Chapter 4

**HEY PEOPLE! IT IS I, VAMPIRE'S DO NOT SPARKLE!**

**KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GOD WHO HAS AWAKENED FROM THE SLEEP KNOWN AS DEATH!**

**Seriously though, I would like to apologise for the long wait. The only reason I'm able to write this now is that I'm sick and can't be at school. My brother recently got back from Germany and brought us all back the gift of sickness. Still. On with the story. Like I've said before, if you have any ideas to kill off Reid, or you have any comment what so ever, even if it's a flame, please leave a review, or PM me. Wow that's a lot of comma's... is that apostrophe even meant to be there... I have no idea. All I know is that I can't spell comma's without doubting it yet I can somehow spell apostrophe with ease... **

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own criminal minds or any of it's characters. **

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Chapter 4- Spencer Reid, He's Just Like Halo.

Spencer's breathing slowly became laboured as he ran through the darkened streets of Washington D.C. This was his chance to prove himself. Show the team that he wasn't just a walking encyclopaedia with a bad fashion sense. That he could take down Unsubs too.

He ran faster as adrenaline pumped through his veins, allowing his reflexes to help him dodge numerous obstacles. Spencer groaned as the Unsub ran down an alleyway. More darkness. Great. He ignored his fear as the thirst to prove himself pushed him on. He ran full speed into the rather suspicious ally. Only for it to lead out onto another street.

With no regards to safety, only the thought of catching the Unsub in mind, he ran across the street. A bright light blinded him as he turned to face the source.

With only a few seconds to comprehend what was about to happen, it was too late to move out of the way as a black SUV smashed it's way into his body. His last few moments alive devoted to a single word.

" Fuck." he whispered as his tired body crashed to the ground, blackness closing in. as he heard a door slam followed by a string of curses, only one thought pervaded his mind.

_I should've just stayed with the map._

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The famous BAU team watched in silence as the casket of their young friend was lowered into the earth, never to be seen again.

The silence was broken as Agent Emily Prentiss gathered the will to speak.

" It's all my fault. He just ran onto the road, after the Unsub. By the time I realised it was too late." She whispered sadly.

" Of course it's your fault. Dammit Emily, it may be tempting, believe me, we all know that, but you can't just run around killing Reid!" Agent Morgan fired back. " And for the record, next time, I get to do it. I call shotgun."

That was when team leader Agent Aaron Hotchner interrupted.

" Actually Morgan, I believe as team leader, I get the next turn." He said with a happy smile. The mere thought cheered him up as they all walked away from the grave site.

"Damn Hotch. You know it's not fair to call rank." Morgan complained. At this rate, by the time he got his turn they'd be in nursing homes.

" Guys, guys, calm down. Who knows how long it could take for him to re-spawn again. We just have to be patient, besides Morgan, you know that if anyone deserves to do it, it's Aaron." Agent Rossi cut in, stopping a small war in the process.

Damn, Morgan had forgotten about that. How long would they have to wait this time for him to come back. It could be months.

And so, it was with a sigh that the team walked back to their cars, smiling fondly at the numerous rows of tombstones entitled 'Spencer Reid.'

and as they drove off, the voice of a Miss Penelope Garcia filled the otherwise silent car.

" But seriously Emily, with your car. You couldn't come up with anything more original?"

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And that's that. I know it's shorter than most of my previous chapters, but I liked it. If you did too, leave a review. Hey, that rhymed. Looks like I've been watching too much Blues Clues.

Anyway...

-Vampire's Do NOT Sparkle.


	5. Chapter 5

**Guess who's back... Yes, you are not hallucinating, this is an update. On a side note, please don't kill me. I don't really have much of a reason for not updating aside from school and the simple fact that I didn't have any inspiration for this chapter. I didn't want to force myself to write something and hate it. But never fear. Inspiration struck and so here it is. But it is with the unfortunate news that this may be the last chapter. It's nowhere near definite. If any of you have ideas for more ways to kill Reid, leave a review and if any of them inspire me to write another chapter, I will. But that may not happen. I may also come up with something completely out of the blue, so this is not necessarily the end. I'd like to thank you all who have read, reviewed, favourited, and alerted this story, it means a lot to me. **

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Chapter 5: No Rest For The Wicked, Or Accident Prone.

The day had started decent enough, or at least as decent as a day could start when you were a FBI profiler who caught monsters for a living. Doctor Spencer Reid had woken up, dressed in his usual fashion, got a coffee on his way to work and arrived at the office with plenty of time to finish his paperwork from the night before.

So yes, his day had started out pretty good. The day had only improved as it progressed. So far there was no case in dire need of his team, and he had started to relax.

However, this only lasted so long. Why, you might ask. Well it was quite simple really... Spencer was bored. It was almost lunch time and he had finished his paperwork over an hour ago. Normally this would be a cause for celebration. But after a quick look around, he had discovered one sad fact... he was the only one finished.

Looking around once again, hoping for a companion to this endless silence of boredom, he let out a sigh. Emily and Morgan were still going, and would be for the next several hours judging by the height of their piles of unseen paperwork. Leaning back he covered his face with his hands. Why didn't he bring a new book? He had finished the one in his desk yesterday, and there was no point reading it again.

Sitting up, he was struck with a thought. Maybe Garcia was free. He could go and see if she'd like to get some lunch, it was nearly noon anyway, and he was rather hungry. Standing up, he checked his watch, it was earlier than he thought, only forty-five past eleven. 'Oh how time flies' Spencer thought as he made his way to Garcia's office, his busy co-workers barely glancing at him as he went.

Spencer smiled as he approached her office. The sounds of some unrecognisable pop song could be heard through the frighteningly thin walls. Reaching the door he knocked, only to be nearly given a heart attack.

"How many times do I have to tell you, it'll be ready when it's ready!" The queen of all things technological yelled through the door.

With a sudden bout of courage, Spencer slowly opened the door.

"um, Garc-" He nervously began, only to be cut off by a very angry, very loud yell.

"WHAT!" She screamed as she turned around in her chair, a furious expression on her face, her right eye twitching and her normally neat hair in a messy array around her head, almost as though it was alive. Reid couldn't help but think that if she had a pile of snakes on her head instead of hair in this moment, she would look very much like the Greek creature Medusa.

Yet, at the sight of Spencer almost cowering behind the door, her expression softened, falling in to a guilty smile.

"Sorry baby genius, I didn't mean to yell, the guys down in archives are bothering me about getting the systems ready to create some more back ups for their files. As if they don't have enough. So what can I do for you oh sweet one?" She said, spinning around to properly face him.

" I just came to ask you if you want to go out to lunch? The others are still doing paperwork and I've been finished for an hour or so, so I would appreciate the company." He asked hopefully. At this her face fell.

" I'm sorry honey, I would love to, but I really have to finish all these programs. I have a deadline to meet, I didn't leave last night, and I'm almost done. Maybe later?" She replied, sadness filling her features.

Reid sighed. He looks like he was going to lunch alone... again...

"Yeah that's fine Garcia. Good luck with the programs." he said as he started to step back. Leaving the room and closing the door, he sighed again. Not allowing himself to wallow in loneliness, he straightened up, head held high, and walked down the corridor, past his busy co-workers, grabbed his bag, and hopped in the elevator.

This didn't have to be a sad affair, he could go to his favourite cafe, maybe get a coffee, and a sandwich. That could be nice.

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Spencer sat, at a corner table of his favourite cafe, patiently waiting for his food to arrive. For the past five minutes, he'd been observing the people walking by, noticing small habits, slight mannerisms that the people probably didn't even know they had. He was trying to distract from the fact that he was absolutely staving. As if in agreement, his stomach growled. He had begun to feel impatient, the sweet smell of food surrounded him, taunting, mocking. Spencer's head snapped up at the sound of a waitress came ever closer.

There it was. The most glorious sandwich known to man. Filled with steak, onion, cheese and sauce. He licked his dry lips in anticipation. This was it. He said a very rushed thank you to the girl, and lifted the sandwich off the plate, breathing in deeply, taking in it's delicious aroma. With a large grin, he bit into it, chewed slightly, and swallowed.

Reid's eyes opened wide, and he coughed, the horrible feeling of having something caught in his throat ran through him, and his features became panicked. He was choking! Actually choking. Oh god, he couldn't breath. Dropping the sandwich onto the plate, he reached for his throat, as though he could stop the inevitable.

Ever so slowly, the life drained out of him, and he became limp. His last thoughts, as simple as they were, meant a great deal to him. For it was only polite.

'How was he supposed to pay now...?'

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So. This is goodbye... maybe. Probably. And as such, I would like to say thank you. To everyone that has read this story, and reviewed, or favourited or anything. Thank you. It meant a lot.

This is me signing off, for what could be the last time in this story.

Good bye

-Vampires do NOT sparkle.


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